morning!

"being a young woman I wanna set the example that it's possible for us to own our own businesses and own our own record labels...sometimes we don't reach for the stars, sometimes we are satisfied with what people tell us we're supposed to be satisfied with, and I'm just not going for it." beyoncé.

less is more

I spend a lot of time fighting myself to stay out of the way of a great song. It's hard for me to leave a song alone, in its natural state. I want it to have that mass appeal, but once I start trying to push it too far, you can feel that something isn't right. When you can hear what a writer is trying to do, it's like watching a dancer and seeing him counting his steps. Music is emotional — if you're singing that you're in love with somebody but it doesn't really feel like you are, people can tell.

jay. rolling stone. 27 may '11.

too deep for the intro

"Oscar Wilde said: 'Each man kills the thing he loves.' And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far...This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."

Paulo Coelho.

"willow trees are flexible. their slender, supple branches bend with the wind. this makes them more resistant to breaking when the weather becomes wild and is hostile to most other trees. follow the example of the willow today, Sagittarius. someone may enter your life today and attempt to wreak havoc. this individual may be bad-tempered or overpowering. if you try to resist by reacting in the same way, you will break. although the outcome may not involve a loss of any kind, it will leave you feeling emotionally battered. but if you can bend, you will feel enlightened instead."

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I felt so overwhelmed last night. frustrated for the past couple of months. wondering what I'd gotten myself into, and having to realize that I can't change my environment, and can't keep changing environments every time I'm unhappy with the management. that there's something going on here, a lesson to be learned---I have to not change myself, but how I react to what's going on around me.

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"you just keep being your smiling, bubbly self," he said. "set the example."

let it flow

one of the biggest challenges I've faced thus far is figuring out my career path. the overall dream of peace, love, happiness, health and financial security remain unchanged, but the means to get there--particularly the financial security part--are ever-changing. I change dreams like panties.

it's partly because of the intimidation of agency. knowing that the timetable has lost the rigid rows and columns that dictated what to study at what point in my education, with the only choice I have to make being location. Not studying geometry in 9th grade was not an option, while at 25, what happens next is up to me and only me.

it's also because of the way my mind works. anything I see/read/hear can spark a new career path.

and then I drive myself insane.

do my career plans keep evolving because I believe so strongly that I can do anything I put my mind to? or can I not put my mind to a single thing because I don't believe in myself?

I do know that I need to learn to give credit where credit is due. to myself. the default path that my career is on is not for the faint of heart, and demands a skill set and work ethic that obviously someone in the advertising industry believes I have and can continue to develop, or else I wouldn't get promoted and placed on one "special" project after another. and it's time that I recognize that and feel comfortable with delivering the pat on my own back.

I also need to mind my Prep kid ways--stop planning and just do. If not, I'm always going to feel as though I'm not doing enough, not good enough and therefore be undermining my strengths and blessings that are a gift from God.

I'll embrace the freedom of evolution. knowing that He has yet to and will not give me more than I can handle, and my plan probably can't compare to what He has in store for me.

so I will let go of the self-imposed pressure, anxiety and high blood pressure. I'll continue to keep working hard and pushing forward. and breathe. everything's gonna work out right, I know.

my december 2nd baby

home sweet home

one sweet day

every night, before I fall asleep, I ask God to watch over my family, friends, associates. I pray that He protects us from all dangers seen and unseen, and, however unrealistic, that He brings us all through to see another day. it’s just that I don’t want to receive a phone call like I did three Sundays ago.

I have a huge family. Lots of folks on my mom’s side. Lots of folks on my dad’s side. not one I think I can live without.

in less than a year, the three primary residents of one home went on to meet their Maker. and each time I received that phone call, I felt the pain of loss. that feeling of “not again.” and this time, it was our Queen.

she was the true definition of matriarch. she raised 9 children, adopted 1, and then played a significant role in raising each of her 20+ grandchildren, clearly indicated by all households except mine referring to her as “Mommy,” while they referred to their mothers by “Aunty ___”. not that their mothers were absent, but that she was their mother just as much as the one who birthed them.

and as I sat in the yard, while aunts and uncles and cousins wept, I saw that no one’s pain was greater than the others, because she raised us all.

now as I return to the states, though I feel otherwise, the truth is that life goes on. that’s how I get the strength to face each minute, hour, day. this trip left me with the feeling of a stronger sense of duty and obligation to my family. so I need to keep living, doing, succeeding, for them.

an index card with her careful cursive was found tucked neatly in her worn Bible. on it she wrote a prayer for her children and grandchildren. a wish for His peace and His power to surround us all like the mountains of Jersualem. she wants us to stick together.

so I’m gonna (try to) stop crying now. but I won’t stop loving her. missing her. and if I live the way she did, and if I love the way she did, I know eventually we'll be together, one sweet day.