nope, it's def from the work...

...but sometimes a few tears, a deep breath, and a quick call to mahj are all you need to make it better.

as much as I love having people around, sometimes I crave time alone...

...so I take long walks.

patience is a virtue

I've been over my living situation for at least four months now. it's tough living with a selfish, frigid bitch who thinks it's okay to move her boyfriend in without consulting me, then when he moves out suggests splitting the rent, which was raised once the boyfriend got added, three ways with our other roommate, so that I could be paying more than before Tyrone moved in. honey, it's a recession and homie don't play that.

it's tough when I have company and the FB thinks it's polite to be impolite. or insists on leaving her hair all over the shower. and leaves candles burning unattended. and takes the smoke detector down. and can't even look me in my face when I'm speaking to her. over it. but the lease isn't up until july and the soonest I can slip out is june. so now what?

and this whole going natural thing... the woman who's become so close to our family because she's been tending our tresses for over five years has been so unsupportive to the point of disrespect. so now not only am I starting from square one with my hair, but I have to start over with a new stylist. and I just don't have the time and money that goes into experimenting and figuring out what works best for my hair's mystery texture. going natural is hard to do when you don't know what you're doing besides waiting for some hair to grow. so now what?

and i'm also waiting for these last few pounds to melt away. and to be playing the game well enough to advance to the next level. i know my destination but I'm just not there...

and it's killing me.

just so overwhelmed by the process, the transition, that even though I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it seems like I can't get out fast enough, and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that nothing happens before its time. nothing.

the dream deferred

I wish when you spoke to me I wasn't surprised, but, um, let's try to see this through my eyes...

So, tell me, is it that you were intrigued by me? Why? Some unique perspective u thought I'd bring to the table? Or is it my hair? You heard I'm going natural? Oh, oops, you think I'm just a cool individual. Well pardon my aprehension, but I'm a product of my environment, see I met some girls when I was twelve and they weren't even tryna, really get to know me, welcome me into their world, they thought I was just some crazy, rude black girl. Because of course when you go to a new place and you're out of your comfort zone, you put your feet up as if you were at your home. fuck the upper east side, jamaica, queens has invaded. I'm here with my crown and I'm chillin on their throne. Sound silly? You're right, because I'm as shy as they come. I wouldve never chosen Hewitt if I knew I'd be the only one. But I'm here now, so whatre we gna do about it? Guess I'll keep to myself because yall can't really deal with it. Guess I'll cry every night cuz I can't deal with the fact that I'm being targeted and I didn't even ask for this. But I'll just stick it out because I have no other choice but to, get a bomb ass education or else I won't make it to Duke. And you're right, it wasn't the entire race of you, but their welcome was less than, so I learned to say fuck you, to a whole race of folks of whom I've barely come into contact, all in an effort to try to counteract, the negativity I received cuz of a color I didn't choose to be- but I love. so to those who have learned to see above, understand why when I see your face, I'm trying to not judge you by your race.

i grew up in a household of 6 or 7, depending on the season, because granny hangs around for the warm months. for our family size, we didn't live in a huge house, but it was fine. it never felt cramped to me because when i wanted my own space, to be alone so i could clear my head, listen to songs on Napster or cake, i'd just walk into my room and close my door. now, granted Stacey/Shonette/Shawn/Somebody would likely knock at some point with "um, Stef, quick question..." it was fine. I still had my space.

with going off to college came the excitement of setting up my new room. i made lists of clothes to buy, electronics i'd need, dorm supplies, school supplies, and a list to organize the lists. before i could purchase the big toys, i'd need to consult with my roommate to see what she'd be bringing. shit, who am i gonna live with? it can't be a stranger, because she'll be strange. i can't possibly live by myself, i'll go crazy. so, against the urging of college guides and other voices of wisdom, i chose to live with a friend.

by the spring, it was safe to say our relationship was strained. it was time to do housing for sophomore year. shit, who am i gonna live with? it can't be a stranger, because she'll be strange. i can't possibly live by myself, i'll go crazy. so, against common sense, i chose to live with the same friend, and before the end of the first semester, we weren't speaking.

doing the dance again for junior year housing and i ended up paired up with a different friend. by senior year i had a random roommate. my housing never came together the way i wanted. well, i guess it wasn't you, or you, or you. maybe it was just me.

but i wanted to build a home in a 200 sq ft dorm room. turn a 600 sq ft apt into paradise. plush sofas. entertainment center. paint the walls. decorations. i wanted my roommate and i to look forward to coming home to each other. we could cook dinner, watch season 4 of SATC, unwind from our hectic day and just feel comfortable in our own little home. i wanted my home to be a gathering place for friends on those nights that we didn't wanna go out, but we didn't really wanna stay in. Taboo? a Spades tourney? something fun. i just wanted it to be a love boat.

in my four years at duke, my dream never quite materialized.

so here i am. back in NY, but with no immediate family for miles. I can't go back home, so I've gotta make my own home, but, in trying to do so for four years and failing miserably, i can say that i'm lost. the only thing i haven't tried yet is living alone, but i don't want to. i know Stacey/Shonette/Shawn/Somebody are all now a great distance away so they won't be knocking on my door to ask a silly question, but it'd be nice if someone was there to do that. there are those days when i want a friend around to just kick back, drink a 40 and laugh with. but there are also those days when i don't want to be bothered and would rather be alone. i'd rather have the place to myself, blasting Mr. Legend, sorting through magazines, reading about the Harlem Renaissance, doing my sexy "Video Phone" dance. in my underwear. i could cover the walls with NaNa and Kate. gold mirrors. gold spoons. gold plates. or i could just sit, by myself, in silence. to choose to live by myself goes against everything that i'd ever thought I'd want. but maybe it took four years to realize that i'm not who i thought i was. perhaps, it's time for me to get to know...me.