i grew up in a household of 6 or 7, depending on the season, because granny hangs around for the warm months. for our family size, we didn't live in a huge house, but it was fine. it never felt cramped to me because when i wanted my own space, to be alone so i could clear my head, listen to songs on Napster or cake, i'd just walk into my room and close my door. now, granted Stacey/Shonette/Shawn/Somebody would likely knock at some point with "um, Stef, quick question..." it was fine. I still had my space.

with going off to college came the excitement of setting up my new room. i made lists of clothes to buy, electronics i'd need, dorm supplies, school supplies, and a list to organize the lists. before i could purchase the big toys, i'd need to consult with my roommate to see what she'd be bringing. shit, who am i gonna live with? it can't be a stranger, because she'll be strange. i can't possibly live by myself, i'll go crazy. so, against the urging of college guides and other voices of wisdom, i chose to live with a friend.

by the spring, it was safe to say our relationship was strained. it was time to do housing for sophomore year. shit, who am i gonna live with? it can't be a stranger, because she'll be strange. i can't possibly live by myself, i'll go crazy. so, against common sense, i chose to live with the same friend, and before the end of the first semester, we weren't speaking.

doing the dance again for junior year housing and i ended up paired up with a different friend. by senior year i had a random roommate. my housing never came together the way i wanted. well, i guess it wasn't you, or you, or you. maybe it was just me.

but i wanted to build a home in a 200 sq ft dorm room. turn a 600 sq ft apt into paradise. plush sofas. entertainment center. paint the walls. decorations. i wanted my roommate and i to look forward to coming home to each other. we could cook dinner, watch season 4 of SATC, unwind from our hectic day and just feel comfortable in our own little home. i wanted my home to be a gathering place for friends on those nights that we didn't wanna go out, but we didn't really wanna stay in. Taboo? a Spades tourney? something fun. i just wanted it to be a love boat.

in my four years at duke, my dream never quite materialized.

so here i am. back in NY, but with no immediate family for miles. I can't go back home, so I've gotta make my own home, but, in trying to do so for four years and failing miserably, i can say that i'm lost. the only thing i haven't tried yet is living alone, but i don't want to. i know Stacey/Shonette/Shawn/Somebody are all now a great distance away so they won't be knocking on my door to ask a silly question, but it'd be nice if someone was there to do that. there are those days when i want a friend around to just kick back, drink a 40 and laugh with. but there are also those days when i don't want to be bothered and would rather be alone. i'd rather have the place to myself, blasting Mr. Legend, sorting through magazines, reading about the Harlem Renaissance, doing my sexy "Video Phone" dance. in my underwear. i could cover the walls with NaNa and Kate. gold mirrors. gold spoons. gold plates. or i could just sit, by myself, in silence. to choose to live by myself goes against everything that i'd ever thought I'd want. but maybe it took four years to realize that i'm not who i thought i was. perhaps, it's time for me to get to know...me.