it pours.

lately, I've dreaded seeing my mother's name pop up on my phone. a crazy feeling, because I love talking to her, but these calls always have me on edge. with bated breath, I slowly answer the call, surprised each time when not gloom and sadness, but joy and jubilation greet me. and then I exhale. that's how I lived for the past year.

I would get dressed in the morning, 75% of the time with no plan for what to wear, just letting outfits form in the 14 minutes I have to dry off, make up, and clothe myself. I'll skip across the service road onto the median of EP, and think to myself, please don't let today be the day. not on the day that I'm coincidentally wearing all black. I've seen this happen before. it was 1994, I remember.

that's how I lived for the past year. in fear.

bracing myself for death.

my mother called yesterday. she said she needs me to do two big favors for her. stacey is starving in statesboro again and needs some extra change until mahj gets to the bank to xfer money for her, I thought. "they're calling the family and saying that it's time to go to the hospital to say goodbyes to Uncle Happy, and I need you to go on behalf of our household." ummm, of course, but what?!  "and they're saying Uncle Allan has a week left." ummm, okay. are those the favors? "yes."

an hour later,

"nevermind, Stef. you don't need to go to the hospital."

and so it goes.

stace says granny loved this video

I hate being sad. upset. when a friend pisses me off, I go through great internal dialogue where I denounce her actions and vow to never allow myself to get that close again. to close myself off to that person. to never go beyond a surface level conversation, again. but I can never follow through.

I hate being in a bad mood. sometimes when I'm down, I try to wallow in my sorrows. I've seen so many others do it and it looks like they enjoy it, so let me test out this whole brooding thing. which lasts for about 5 minutes and ends in a sorry excuse for a cartwheel.

In knowing that about myself, I thought this would be easier. Because she was 80+. And she lived a life filled with peace, joy, blessings, love. So in those moments when I catch myself laughing, jumping up and down as I would've just a month ago, I think to myself, "you're gonna be okay. you're getting through this."

and then the tide changes. the clouds come in grey-er, darker, heavier. and I'm sitting on my bed feeling like it's January 11th and I just received the worst phone call of my life.