doin' just fine

There are words that I can string together, sentences that can eloquently and tightly wind around his neck, punctuation to be a swift kick to the step stool that would leave him hanging by a noose. To watch his fat ass dangle, eyes close slowly, on the way to the pits of hell, on the one-way ticket he purchased for himself on the credit of the lies and vivid stories he told to create a "reality" for himself that no one but he and his victim could or should ever believe. But I don't want to see him die. Don't want his blood on my hands.

I remember once upon a time he lied and left the shit right under my nose, and I angrily marched to where he was, pulled him away from whatever he was doing and delivered the fiercest slap I could. If this were a year ago, two years ago, my outrage would have manifested itself in physical violence. But violence is not the answer. Never the answer.

Until a few weeks ago my anger would've come in the form of a profanity-laden manifesto declaring the insignificance of his life. But not today.

After I cursed my landlord out a few weeks ago, I prayed about it. I prayed for the strength to overcome my ego, the part of me that, particularly when it comes to men, got so upset and offended by the way he spoke to me that night that I needed to one-up him. Show him who's boss. Show him that I'm not like the other women he's gotten away with speaking to like that.

My Mahj has told me repeatedly that God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can do more listening than talking. More seeing with our two eyes. And after this weekend, this summer, I've heard and seen more than enough. And will keep my mouth closed. I will not wait anxiously for the next time that we undoubtedly run into each other in the circle of friends that we share, friends who I've only known for 13 years but am not actually friends with (your words not mine), with the hopes of getting an opportunity to pour verbal acid all over your life and sad existence, that would leave you utterly embarrassed, humiliated and burned. No, because to speak like that would embarrass me as well.

God has answered my prayer in the form of a trial. A trial that at first I was prepared to fail. But in the comfort of my own home, amongst the comfort of my friends and family, I've been able to scream my outrage from the top of my lungs to the mountains of gchat and have chosen to now breathe, stretch, shake. and let it go.

To my friends who have so kindly presented evidence of this fool's sad attempts to sully my name with egregious lies, thank you for bringing the instances to my attention. I've seen enough. I don't need to or want to hear anything else. I'm off to continue to live my life and on what may actually be the start of the 3rd year-to-the-day when I made the decision that I no longer wanted or needed that pay(a)so in my life, I hope he can finally move on and maybe start to live his.