here I am

when you lose a loved one, the outpouring of love and support from family, friends, co-workers, associates, is almost instant. you can't put down your phone without it ringing again. doorbells ringing. ears ringing.

And that love, that support is appreciated.

And within a week or so, it's gone.

I don't think it's understood that grief and healing aren't over once the grave is covered or the tomb is sealed. it's a process. one that can and likely will continue for the rest of one's life.

losing my grandmother rocked my world.

when I returned, I wanted a continuation of the love and warmth that I felt from being around my family while in Guyana, but the reality was that I live in NY and everyone else lives elsewhere. and so I retreated.

I didn't want to leave my house, much less return to work, socialize, party. What I wanted was love, and to hug my mother. I wanted someone to hug me.

Instead I was thrown back into work, dealt with selfish friends, and...loneliness. because I was living and breathing grief and didn't want to burden anyone with my pain.

what hurt the most is that friends who were calling themselves my best seemed to just fade to black. perhaps the idea was to give me my space to let me heal? but I think this is the stage of grief where I needed them the most because it's the part where everyone retreats. where 1 month, 2 months, 3 months later, everyone has forgotten and perhaps they expect you to have as well. and it makes me feel that these people that I called my best don't even understand, care to understand what she meant to me.