the coldest winter ever

alarm goes off at 7:30. snooze until 8. should've been out the door by 8. shower and dress, out by 8:45. i'll be lucky to get in before 9:30. fuck. fuck. fuck. why do I do this? here's a crazy idea-- why not just get out of bed when the alarm goes off? actually, it doesn't really matter because when I get in at 9:29, I'll prob be doing a celebratory fist pump once I discover that the other team members have yet to arrive. even my boss, who lives a far, far 3 blocks away. so i'll just slip out of my coat quickly, hang it up with my purse, sign onto my computer and when they arrive 2 minutes later, as far as they know, I was there at 9.

there are a couple of things i've been meaning to take care of, but i haven't because i've been reading the Cut. compulsively checking RBG's because I know andre be blogging from schumz. bossip. searching for brightly colored wedge sandals. talking to Jen. and it doesn't really matter, i'll get it done, eventually.

now it's 6 o'clock. another workday gone. things were kinda slow so I didn't really do anything. but i don't wanna look like I haven't done anything, so I guess I'll sit here for awhile longer and click into my email when I hear someone walking by.

7 o'clock. why haven't they left yet? I'm ready to goooo.

8 o'clock. this is getting ridiculous. i'm leaving. put my coat on. say goodnight to the stragglers, onto the train.

now i'm exhausted from a long day of nothing. I wish the A train ran from the office door to my apartment because I don't wanna deal with transferring trains right now. I don't really wanna deal with walking. walking up the steps at west 4th. walking in the frigid air through the dark park. walking across Lewis where the cars speed along almost with the hope of hitting a jaywalking pedestrian. walking into my apartment into my room that's almost colder than outside. what's happening to me? I used to love walking.

Penn sweatpants. Duke sweatshirt. off to bed.

December-March. repeat.

April 30. when I got there at 9:29, they were all there. and every time I clicked into the Cut. or RBG's. or bossip. they were there. so I did an assignment here and there to break up my stints of nothingness.

and then 6 o'clock came and they were gone. so, soon after I left, as well.

eyes glazed over. poring over Invisible Man. mindlessly running up the steps at West 4th. mindlessly transfering to the A. mindlessly zoning in and out of the book. mindlessly getting off at Utica. walking up the steps. through the turnstile.

up...
the...
steps...

daylight? leaves. cherry blossoms. tulips. the park looks beautiful.

I needed you, Spring.

my alarm is set for 7am.