The guy I'm with, end up with will be my best friend. Something I feel strongly about because it symbolizes a deeper relationship, a deeper connection than just romance. It's Spades domination.

there's this guy. Let's call him Pauly. Friends for years. Always teetering on the brink of mooore...but I won't allow it. because I'm no fortune teller, but I know how this story, our story ends. With someone hurt. And I'm certain, determined that it won't be me.

Our relationship has an odd gender dynamic. I get annoyed with him for bringing up past issues that we've resolved, he gets annoyed with me for not talking about the new "issues." annoyed that I get frustrated and dismiss them. From my experience, it seems the gender roles have reversed. Yet not quite because while I want to talk about the future, if only for the sake of making sure that he's clear on what this is and that there is no future, he says he just wants to be in the moment.

It's really quite odd.

Some ask me why I keep fighting it. Why I won't just relax and give in. Clearly he loves me. Among many things, he puts up with me at my rudest. But I'm not ready to wave the white flag. Surrender. I'm not ready to do that because there's something about us that doesn't feel right. And for once, just once, I'd like to follow my instincts. And my instincts tell me that he is not my happy ending. I know that I don't know what I want. But I think I'm aware of what I don't need.

Damn, that sounds awful.

Oh well.

In the meantime, we remain grey. And he gets what he wants. For now. Just because I like the attention. Just because I like the idea of someone picking me up from work on Friday, taking me to have a drink, and carrying my weekend bag to the Bolt bus that's taking me to Baltimore, sending me off with a hug, well wishes and some kisses.