I hate being sad. upset. when a friend pisses me off, I go through great internal dialogue where I denounce her actions and vow to never allow myself to get that close again. to close myself off to that person. to never go beyond a surface level conversation, again. but I can never follow through.

I hate being in a bad mood. sometimes when I'm down, I try to wallow in my sorrows. I've seen so many others do it and it looks like they enjoy it, so let me test out this whole brooding thing. which lasts for about 5 minutes and ends in a sorry excuse for a cartwheel.

In knowing that about myself, I thought this would be easier. Because she was 80+. And she lived a life filled with peace, joy, blessings, love. So in those moments when I catch myself laughing, jumping up and down as I would've just a month ago, I think to myself, "you're gonna be okay. you're getting through this."

and then the tide changes. the clouds come in grey-er, darker, heavier. and I'm sitting on my bed feeling like it's January 11th and I just received the worst phone call of my life.