everything that's been causing internal conflict and deep uneasiness came to a head today. a test of how close I'd come to my breaking point. where I did everything I could to end each conversation so the person speaking to me would leave before the first tear fell. of course I tried to hold it back, like I've done so often, but it was as if my heart and my mind said, "not this time." I guess I needed to hit that wall. to send it crashing down. now unable to walk, I'd have to take a car home.

securing the voucher kinda made the pain subside. it helps to have something to look forward to. the fdr. lights of the bridges ahead of me. the time to myself. it never gets old, seeing the brooklyn bridge illuminated before me. I wish I could put my finger on why the image leaves me spellbound. perhaps it's the stretch of road that never seems long enough, as I try in vain to keep the image forever framed. the image of a spectacularly lit bridge flanked stunningly by the lower manhattan skyline. or maybe it's the disbelief that human hands couldve come together to build something so grand, so beautifully and meticulously constructed. it sends me into a trance, a steady-breathing, heart calmly-beating trance. reminding me that what happened today is no match for how I envision my tomorrow.