just gotta make it

sometimes I take a step out of the moment, out of the excitement, out of the optimism, and I crash. I know I've made it this far, but where exactly am I going? Paris? to do what? ideally i'd be sticking it out where I am, climbing the ranks, but I feel like i'm suspended in time, forever entry-level, an AAE. I sit in meetings with the hbic, amazed at how brilliant she is. how thorough she is. how passionate about her work she is. and I want to be her. this is my industry. I know it. I can feel it. this is why I've taken internships in so many random fields. to lead me here. to advertising. June 18th will make one year, and I've certainly come a long, long way. I've learned a lot, and I've been able to take ownership of my work and contribute, meaningfully, to the team. but sometimes, I crash.

sometimes I literally spend a week just scheduling meetings. what the hell does that have to do with advertising? advancing in my field? I haven't been able to watch Gossip Girl in nearly two months because I'm usually still in the office at 8, waiting to send out the status document for our Tuesday morning meetings. and no matter how early I give the boss the doc so I can get his input, he'll still spend the next three hours telling me that he'll be by my desk in 5 minutes. and there are some days when I know my boss and I are ready to wring each others necks. the tension is palpable. before I can sit down with my lean cuisine to take a 5-minute break from the madness to eat my joke of a meal, she's firing off 5 things at once that apparently have to be done at that instant.

but then I realize that a year ago, I didn't even have a job, just a degree. a year ago, I couldn't tell you what a PO was. an ISCI code. a job number. and now they're mine. next week, i'll be leading the budget meeting. i'll be updating the team on how much we've spent in production and what we've got left. and at the end of the month, i'll be sitting in an office with the hbic managing the big budget. the numbers that are shared with the CFO and CEO. and though I may still spend hours and days scheduling meetings, my boss calls me Stef Magic because she says I make things happen.

I got summoned to the BOSS's office today. she's kinda a big deal. like running a global business with regional hubs in brazil, london and singapore, big deal, and just expanded the business to toothpaste, big deal. and when I got there, I didn't even have a pen and notebook. unprepared. breathe. they're prepping for a huge meeting upstairs and she just wants me to make sure it's getting done. okay, I can handle that. and so I ran up to 10-main, and walked into heaven. the walls were covered with new and different print executions to further the brands represented. all so smart and well executed. I got it. it made sense to me. this is what we're working towards. we know that every toothbrush ad looks the same and we also know that advertising is the art of difference, or at least so says our founder. and in that room I saw difference. and it was amazing. and though it may take years to get the marketing clients to buy into this differentiation, I was excited to know that while we who are lower on the totem are working hard on five projects at a time, managing the day-to-day business, the big dogs are at the top, working hard to differentiate, putting forth some really big ideas.

Sunday afternoon I went thrift shopping with Richie. we were in Bushwick, combing through the racks, hoping to come across some gem of a find. I with about ten pieces, he with at least 20, we grabbed two fitting rooms and went to work. and after over an hour in that store, we emerged, grinning from ear to ear, victorious. he with a Dior shirt, among others, and I with a beat up sweatshirt with the Champion script scrawled across the chest. and even though I scored three great polos and a Fendi clutch, I was most excited about that sweatshirt because every morning when I arrive at the office, after I wash the subway grime off my hands, I check my email to ensure that nothing blew up while we were asleep. and as I walk to the kitchen to prepare my bomb ass oatmeal, I see an ad for the sportswear company, enlarged and framed besides the CEO's door, that reads, "There's a name for people that never quit."