carpe laetum

according to legend, when i was much younger i was quite rude-- my favorite pastime was butting into grown folks conversation. so, true to form, one day I expertly inserted my six-year old self into a discussion that my much older cousin Simone and other relatives were having. that was the day i learned that we all had to die.

i can't remember how she broke the news to me, but i remember being mad. really, really mad. i ran down into the basement, cried my eyes out and refused to speak to her. today, it's a story that we joke about, but i would be lying if i said it didn't have an impact on me.

on 5 feb 09, my cousin Nathalie, who a little over a month prior was running around Guyana, partying with my aunt celebrating Christmas, Boxing Day, New Years, life, passed away from non hodgkins lymphoma. to be quite honest, i don't know too much about the disease because when she was diagnosed with the stage 3 blood cancer two weeks ago, the tone of my mom's voice gave away the gravity of the situation and i had no interest in wikipedia trying to tell me what would happen next. i mean, she was only 25.

but, i always remember Simone's words, because, unfortunately, that's the reality of this little game we call life. honestly speaking, the hardest part of dealing with the loss has been witnessing the effect it's had on my aunts, cousins, my dear granny. there's so much pain there and little i can do to help them heal. and my poor mother. when she called to double check that i scheduled that long overdue doctor's appointment, i knew that watching someone go from being ostensibly healthy to dead in one month, and then to be only two years older than her oldest child, is making her nervous in the way that mothers dread.

in the meantime, here I am, 23, and have now lost two cousins under the age of 35. grateful for modern technology and skype, I was able to speak to my aunt in Guyana who imparted her wisdom, "[Nathalie's passing reminds you that] you must live your life with purpose because you don't know when you're gonna be called." cliché, yes, but always true. for me, this is bigger than needing to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro, wrestle an alligator, or swim across the Atlantic. it's about happiness. we didn't choose to be here. we didn't choose mortality. but we can choose happiness. for me, that happiness, optimism, joy helps me to get through each day. and it also helps me to find my purpose and my passions because i know i'm here for a reason and have a limited time to make an impact. to choose to be happy is more than keeping a smile plastered on my face. laughing at shit that isn't actually that funny. it's about controlling the extent to which i allow my environment to affect my attitude. to say fuck all that other shit and just seize joy.

Nathalie lived like that. she brightened everyone's lives. she'd say the most foolish shit, make the dumbest jokes, and you had no choice but to laugh. her mom died in childbirth and so my mother, grandmother and aunts all had a hand in raising her. and though it hurts that she's gone, i've found peace knowing that she's chillin up in heaven with the homie JC and her mom, Joy.

rip, love.