sam

onward

2011-09-08T15:53:00.004-04:00

we packed up, hopped in the truck, and were on our way.

"if you need me to take over, just let me know," I said.

but I didn't fully mean it. on the one hand, I wanted to contribute to the 16-hour push down south, and didn't want fahj to have to do it on his own. on the other hand, I know I make a fantastic co-pilot. besides, he did the drive to New York without any help. I knew he could manage.

and then we made it no further than exit 8 on the turnpike, barely out of the city, and he told me that I was taking over.

I cheerily smiled, grabbed a venti iced coffee from le Starbucks, silently prayed and we headed on our way.

I've never driven an SUV of that size for more than a few yards. and have never driven anywhere for more than an hour at a time. not to mention the truck was fully packed, with only side mirrors to help position myself, the pouring rain refused to let up until Maryland, and I drove until we had to refill halfway through Virginia.

I had no idea I had that in me.

in my autobiography, I think we've just hit Part II.

I cried at work last night

2011-08-04T21:01:00.001-04:00

I tried my hardest not to, but my willpower was no match for the damn floodgates. the annoying part is that I knew that in these next two weeks, before I'd get the opportunity to declare my almost freedom, before I'd get to bow out gracefully, and before I'd get to put in the highest bid to regain my sold soul, the damn devil was going do everything in his power to break me. he'd make it so that after putting up with 8 months of assault via email, a manager would finally take notice and declare that I'm being verbally harassed by someone in the company, but in that same breath condemn me for standing up for myself when she wouldn't. he'd make it so I would have to bear repeated complaints in a single day that the greatest offense that our media buyer could commit would be "ugh, she can't speak English" (read: she has a non-US accent). and he'd make it so that folk that I worked with for months would still mistake me for an assistant managing someone's calendar, rather than an account executive leading print and digital projects for one of the largest companies in the world.

what really sucks about this shit is that I went from one shitty situation to a shittier one. and yes, there are lessons learned, but the truth is that I'm scared because I can't do this again. I cannot spend my life hating my job. I cannot spend my life complaining about my job. I do not want to do this again. for goodness sake, I just want to be happy and I can't for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong. but whatever it is, I can't cry at work anymore.

since folks think it's okay to talk about fall fashion as if it's not pushing 100 degrees outside...

2011-07-27T17:07:00.003-04:00

I'm in the market for a serious leather biker jacket.
Celine, as peeped on The Coveteur

red is the color of love

2011-07-15T16:23:00.000-04:00

2011-07-15T11:15:00.004-04:00

2011-07-12T18:45:00.001-04:00

morning!

"being a young woman I wanna set the example that it's possible for us to own our own businesses and own our own record labels...sometimes we don't reach for the stars, sometimes we are satisfied with what people tell us we're supposed to be satisfied with, and I'm just not going for it." beyoncé.

I'll take one of each

2011-06-23T11:33:00.003-04:00

2011-06-21T19:01:00.001-04:00

anymore questions?

tommy ton & style.com

ALL THE WAY TURNT UP.

2011-06-16T16:09:00.001-04:00

life.

2011-06-10T15:26:00.002-04:00

less is more

2011-05-31T19:29:00.000-04:00

I spend a lot of time fighting myself to stay out of the way of a great song. It's hard for me to leave a song alone, in its natural state. I want it to have that mass appeal, but once I start trying to push it too far, you can feel that something isn't right. When you can hear what a writer is trying to do, it's like watching a dancer and seeing him counting his steps. Music is emotional — if you're singing that you're in love with somebody but it doesn't really feel like you are, people can tell.

jay. rolling stone. 27 may '11.

don't say she not.

2011-05-23T18:29:00.000-04:00

let freedom reign

2011-05-23T18:03:00.000-04:00

2011-05-18T23:29:00.001-04:00

There are people who hate the rain. It's gross out, they say. But this same rain makes flowers bloom and not you too? Or maybe you're so beyond nature that you've used your magical human powers to simulate the chemical reaction between an oxygen and two hydrogen molecules, and rendered the drinking water provided by rain useless? Well, that's fine. But me, personally, I love the rain. It rained on my graduation day. We were outside in the middle of Wallace Wade because there was no rain location. The first time in over 16 years that there had been no sunshine. And even with my perm, I didn't mind. That morning, my daddy said that rain brings blessings. Coming from the man that taught me that fail to prepare is to prepare to fail, I heeded his prayer and stopped using umbrellas.

work/life balance

2011-05-06T21:04:00.001-04:00

meet me on the tready

2011-05-03T18:46:00.002-04:00

magical

2011-04-29T13:35:00.000-04:00

happy papa.

re: a tab for you

2011-04-23T22:46:00.005-04:00

my dear friend, fellow tab-hoarder, and co-leader of the New Sagittarius World Order sent me a NYT blog post. I'm not sure what about it made him think that it's something I'd want to or should read--the email contained only the link in the body--but I'm glad he knows me well enough to want to share.
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/20/look-at-me-im-crying/

so, friend,
you're going to think I'm wacky, but hear me out. I am on what my inadequate vocabulary can only categorize as a "spiritual journey." I hate that classifier for this stage, because I think the truth of it is that I'm going through life, and am probably more present in my thoughts than I've ever been before. so yes, fine, I'm on a journey. it's called life.

I was watching an episode of Oprah and there was a big Hollywood director on promoting his soul-searching documentary called "I Am". The gist of it is that our world has become so competitive that we've completely lost sight of what is important. given that I'm on a documentary kick right now, I'm looking up showtimes and am trying to get time on Tutu's overbooked calendar as we have to see it. one of the points he makes in the film is that our competitiveness has fueled over-consumption and an obsession with stuff. but animal societies are about community and democracy, and humans are--though should not be--different. but instead of helping others, we continue to "help" only ourselves, because the laws of competition say you cannot reach out a hand to pull your human brother up. but we have to recognize that we are all humans, and we are all connected.

having cried on the train only a week ago, I think it's no coincidence that you sent this article to me.

we're all connected.

wow, that was quite the jump.

too deep for the intro

2011-04-23T21:53:00.001-04:00

"Oscar Wilde said: 'Each man kills the thing he loves.' And it's true. The mere possibility of getting what we want fills the soul of the ordinary person with guilt. We look around at all those who have failed to get what they want and feel that we do not deserve to get what we want either. We forget about all the obstacles we overcame, all the suffering we endured, all the things we had to give up in order to get this far...This is the most dangerous of the obstacles because it has a kind of saintly aura about it: renouncing joy and conquest. But if you believe yourself worthy of the thing you fought so hard to get, then you become an instrument of God, you help the Soul of the World, and you understand why you are here."

Paulo Coelho.

chase you down until you love me

2011-04-20T13:24:00.000-04:00

this song is really everything.

black is beautiful

2011-04-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

source: across the world wide web and gchat exchanges

"when's the last time you ate a carrot?"

2011-04-12T10:06:00.000-04:00

2011-04-06T10:15:00.003-04:00

"willow trees are flexible. their slender, supple branches bend with the wind. this makes them more resistant to breaking when the weather becomes wild and is hostile to most other trees. follow the example of the willow today, Sagittarius. someone may enter your life today and attempt to wreak havoc. this individual may be bad-tempered or overpowering. if you try to resist by reacting in the same way, you will break. although the outcome may not involve a loss of any kind, it will leave you feeling emotionally battered. but if you can bend, you will feel enlightened instead."

-------

I felt so overwhelmed last night. frustrated for the past couple of months. wondering what I'd gotten myself into, and having to realize that I can't change my environment, and can't keep changing environments every time I'm unhappy with the management. that there's something going on here, a lesson to be learned---I have to not change myself, but how I react to what's going on around me.

-------

"you just keep being your smiling, bubbly self," he said. "set the example."

3005

2011-04-01T19:55:00.001-04:00

I'm locked inside
A land called foolish pride
Where the man is always right
He hates to talk but loves to fight
Is that alright?

On real cold days
He loans us lots of hate
But he says that we must pay
To take it all away
Is that ok?

But I'm asking you will you stay with me
In this land where we are free
And I know it's rough
And you've had enough
But one day we'll be happy

And when I look into the future I see danger in its eyes
Hearts of hatred rule the land while love is left aside
Killing plagues the citizens while music slowly dies
I get frightened, I
See, I get frightened, I...

Oh how, oh how I need you baby
To keep me from going crazy
I really need you baby
Need you to stay

Oh how, oh how I love you baby
These people are so crazy
I really need you baby
Need you to stay

She's quick to fight
For her man but not her rights
Even though it's 3005
When will we end this genocide?
And that's not right

Her children cry
No food to eat and afraid as flies
The color black means it's time to die
And nobody questions why
Cause they're too scared to stop the man

But I'm asking you will you stay with me
In this land where we are free
And I know it's rough
And you've had enough
But one day we'll be happy

When I look into the future
I see danger in its eyes
Babies die before they're born
And no one ever smiles
The writers and the artists, all are paid to tell us lies
To keep us locked inside, they keep us locked inside

Oh how, oh how I need you baby
To keep me from going crazy
I really need you baby
Need you to stay

Oh how, oh how I love you baby
These people are so crazy
I really need you baby
Need you to stay

I can make a change
I can start a fire
Lord, make me love again
Fill me with desire

I can make a change
I can start a fire
Make me love again
Lord, thank You for desire
And when I look into your pretty eyes I almost want to cry
I think about my life and I don't want to live a lie
How I need you baby, I need you right by my side
I need you tonight, I need you tonight

my cousin sent me a chain text msg and I didn't hate it.

2011-04-01T14:04:00.001-04:00

Dear God,

This is my girl, my friend, my sister, whom I love and this is my prayer for her.

Help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her and cause her to excel above her expectations.

Help her to shine in the darkest places where it is impossible to love.

Protect her at all times,

Lift her up when she needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you she will always be safe.

Amen.

2011-03-31T23:32:00.002-04:00

"Life has to be lived on a balance. And any time you see your scale is tipped too much on one side, you have to straighten it out."

just be yourself

2011-03-31T18:28:00.002-04:00

the brightest crayon in the box

2011-03-31T14:35:00.002-04:00

we want more tracee.

can't stop, won't stop.

2011-03-30T22:43:00.000-04:00

watch it.

love it.

download it (via Soundcloud): www.tinyurl.com/godofjoy

pregame to it.

share it.

2011-03-30T01:59:00.001-04:00

"those who can, do. those who can't, teach."

no.

those who can may do.

but those who can teach,

definitely,

empower.

all the time

2011-03-29T10:45:00.002-04:00

God is good.

2011-03-26T10:48:00.001-04:00

julez for japan.

let it flow

2011-03-26T02:38:00.000-04:00

one of the biggest challenges I've faced thus far is figuring out my career path. the overall dream of peace, love, happiness, health and financial security remain unchanged, but the means to get there--particularly the financial security part--are ever-changing. I change dreams like panties.

it's partly because of the intimidation of agency. knowing that the timetable has lost the rigid rows and columns that dictated what to study at what point in my education, with the only choice I have to make being location. Not studying geometry in 9th grade was not an option, while at 25, what happens next is up to me and only me.

it's also because of the way my mind works. anything I see/read/hear can spark a new career path.

and then I drive myself insane.

do my career plans keep evolving because I believe so strongly that I can do anything I put my mind to? or can I not put my mind to a single thing because I don't believe in myself?

I do know that I need to learn to give credit where credit is due. to myself. the default path that my career is on is not for the faint of heart, and demands a skill set and work ethic that obviously someone in the advertising industry believes I have and can continue to develop, or else I wouldn't get promoted and placed on one "special" project after another. and it's time that I recognize that and feel comfortable with delivering the pat on my own back.

I also need to mind my Prep kid ways--stop planning and just do. If not, I'm always going to feel as though I'm not doing enough, not good enough and therefore be undermining my strengths and blessings that are a gift from God.

I'll embrace the freedom of evolution. knowing that He has yet to and will not give me more than I can handle, and my plan probably can't compare to what He has in store for me.

so I will let go of the self-imposed pressure, anxiety and high blood pressure. I'll continue to keep working hard and pushing forward. and breathe. everything's gonna work out right, I know.

dress for the job you want

2011-03-26T02:10:00.001-04:00

monday. jil sander.

tuesday. lanvin.

wednesday. prada.

thursday. balmain.

friday. proenza.

hired.

all ss 11.
style.com.

2011-03-24T14:42:00.003-04:00

2011-03-24T14:23:00.000-04:00

do you really want to live forever?

head gear

2011-03-22T20:21:00.005-04:00

style.com

tommy ton

make lemonade

2011-03-21T19:12:00.002-04:00

Anthony Robles. 2011 NCAA National Wrestling Champion.
(AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

2011-03-19T23:02:00.001-04:00

a beautifully mild pre-spring day. thursday. trenchcoat weather. squinting eyes, and noting to self to keep a pair of sunnies in my purse on standby. strolling through beautiful tree-lined blocks in pursuit of a small, tasty, vegan lunch. walking past the film forum, Bill Cunningham New York is showing. and now I know where I'm taking myself on a date this week.

2011-03-19T21:44:00.005-04:00

amidst all of the chaos of what I can only categorize as life, at the center of mine is an aunt, a daughter, a sister...my mother...in real pain. and while there are stretches of seemingly sunny days, there is darkness beneath the light. sad, dark days. and it breaks my heart because there's nothing I can do, except be there.

2011-03-17T14:53:00.001-04:00

jason jean.

2011-03-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

quit playing games with my heart

2011-03-10T11:01:00.003-05:00

heat

2011-03-09T17:42:00.003-05:00

the coveteur.

2011-03-05T18:36:00.004-05:00

and when the wind blows, and shadows pull close
don't be afraid, there's nothing you can't face
and should they tell you, you'll never pull through
don't hesitate, stand tall and say
I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again
on my own
and I know that I'm strong enough to mend
and every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
and I live one more day
and I make it through the rain

rip uncle allan.

gotta find peace of mind

2011-03-04T19:12:00.001-05:00

Russell Frederick/Kamoinge Inc.

Sagittarius. March 2011. Essence.

2011-03-04T17:28:00.000-05:00

LOVE: Your libido can weather the storm, but don't confuse lust with love.

WORK: If you find authority unsettling, consider starting your own business.

I call her peggy sue

2011-02-28T19:06:00.003-05:00

okay, let's just ignore all the sexy time happening in this video, lest we confirm roca's suspicions about us. it's just that I love you, dammit, and wanted to tell ~~the world~~ my five readers. feel free to not say it back.

ethereal

2011-02-28T01:00:00.004-05:00

Georgina Chapman & Keren Craig strike again.

2011-02-27T21:25:00.000-05:00

"life is just really, really, really, really short. it's not even a cliché anymore." ~mahj.

shanna.nathalie.granddad.granny.unclehappy.

2011-02-27T20:04:00.000-05:00

finish the song, please

2011-02-27T15:15:00.001-05:00

it pours.

2011-02-27T14:42:00.001-05:00

lately, I've dreaded seeing my mother's name pop up on my phone. a crazy feeling, because I love talking to her, but these calls always have me on edge. with bated breath, I slowly answer the call, surprised each time when not gloom and sadness, but joy and jubilation greet me. and then I exhale. that's how I lived for the past year.

I would get dressed in the morning, 75% of the time with no plan for what to wear, just letting outfits form in the 14 minutes I have to dry off, make up, and clothe myself. I'll skip across the service road onto the median of EP, and think to myself, please don't let today be the day. not on the day that I'm coincidentally wearing all black. I've seen this happen before. it was 1994, I remember.

that's how I lived for the past year. in fear.

bracing myself for death.

my mother called yesterday. she said she needs me to do two big favors for her. stacey is starving in statesboro again and needs some extra change until mahj gets to the bank to xfer money for her, I thought. "they're calling the family and saying that it's time to go to the hospital to say goodbyes to Uncle Happy, and I need you to go on behalf of our household." ummm, of course, but what?! "and they're saying Uncle Allan has a week left." ummm, okay. are those the favors? "yes."

an hour later,

"nevermind, Stef. you don't need to go to the hospital."

and so it goes.

save your side eye

2011-02-27T14:28:00.004-05:00

me: you need to just let him go. no use in stringing him along.
sue: when's the last time you took your own advice?

I mean it when I say, I'm working on it.

I need my long-dress-billowing-in-the-wind moment

2011-02-27T14:25:00.004-05:00

as seen at lanvin

and emilio pucci

"fashion is the most powerful art there is. it's movement, design and architecture all in one. It shows the world who we are and who we'd like to be." blair waldorf.

all s/s'11
via style.com

2011-02-25T18:47:00.001-05:00

living on a prayer

2011-02-22T14:07:00.002-05:00

...the moment all those sails went up. Was that a moment when all those sails went up? and the reason why it's so amazing is...you all know my history. Mississippi-born on a dirt road. I am a girl who couldn't find my name on a key chain or a lunch box. If only I knew that God was saying, 'baby, you don't have to worry 'bout no lunch box. There's a regatta in Sydney with your name on the sailboat.' That is, that is nothing but the grace of something greater than ourselves. And I feel that for myself, and I want you to feel it for yourself. Wherever you are in your life, wherever you come from in your life, there's a regatta somewhere with your name on it.

rudisha reminds us:

2011-02-18T10:32:00.002-05:00

even if you in a benz
you still a nigga
in a coupe.

shout to kanye.

good hair

2011-02-17T11:10:00.002-05:00

countdown to Lent

2011-02-14T17:17:00.000-05:00

"I asked almost everyone I interviewed why they thought people have such a hard time eating healthfully. I expected to hear criticism: that people are lazy or unintelligent, that they don’t know what’s good for them, that they don’t care or are in denial. I heard something unexpected instead. My friend, food writer and Slate contributor Regina Schrambling, said: “People don’t think they’re worth it.” Registered dietitian Dana Angelo White echoed this sentiment, specifically in regard to mothers. It never occurred to me that this was a reason people didn’t eat right. Is this what it comes down to? The L’Oreal slogan?"

-Ellen Tarlin, slate.com

you've got a friend in me

2011-02-14T12:08:00.001-05:00

easy breezy

2011-02-12T18:10:00.001-05:00

gear up.

2011-02-10T14:23:00.002-05:00

dance classes &
rollerblades &
tennis &
5k.

the right to bare arms

2011-02-09T13:05:00.002-05:00

"Women, wear what you love. That's all you can say. That's my motto. It's nice to have on a nice suit. But it's nicer to change a generation, in terms of their health. It's a better use of my time to focus on rallying this country around our military families. I mean, there's so much that I hope to do in this role, that makes a difference in people's lives."

~your royal FLOTUS, pictured here in Alexander McQueen at the State Dinner

peek-a-boo

2011-02-08T17:54:00.000-05:00

Prada sunglasses. spring is upon us.

thanks for listening...

2011-02-07T19:38:00.001-05:00

6:45 PM kosd27: back again
6:46 PM took longer than I thought
6:50 PM me: how's the old country?

6:51 PM kosd27: old country?

me: savannah

6:52 PM kosd27: lol oh, it's...ok I guess

6:56 PM me: is this "trees are in agony" going to be all meteorology
b/c I'm particularly sensitive to hearing anything about the weather
as that's all that people can talk about these days
gears.grinding.

6:57 PM kosd27: it sort of is, but it's deeper than that

6:58 PM me: lol
I'm very "sensitive"
I went on a 15 minute tirade on the phone with my mother

kosd27: it's ultimately more abt slavery
6:59 PM LOL
jesus you are sensitive

me: lol
I'd like to refer to it as "on edge"
ever feel like you're going through a transition?

7:00 PM kosd27: what kinda transition?

me: I've been generally happy up until this point
call it "effusive"
which is fantastic

kosd27: uh huh

7:01 PM me: but now, as I start to really think about next steps and what I want to see happen this year and within certain timeframes, I feel a bit overwhelmed
and I think part of it comes from some kinda shift in maturity
7:02 PM like learning how to take care of myself in a more immediate way
kinda as if there's no room for procrastination
7:03 PM as well as learning to be selfish in an unselfish way

7:04 PM kosd27: wow
this is new

me: o______O

7:05 PM kosd27: no? not new?
New to me at least

7:06 PM me: not new, just first time I've been able to really articulate it
which is why I kept typing, b/c I realized that I was finally starting to make sense to myself

kosd27: nice
well i'm flattered to be here for that

7:07 PM me: well thanks for allowing me to crash on the couch for a few minutes

kosd27: np, i enjoy it

me: lol, apparently I had some things to get off of my chest

kosd27: now i'll know what it is when i get it

7:08 PM me: I think it's called 25

kosd27: lol maybe

2011-01-29T23:58:00.001-05:00

amen, sister.

2011-01-28T14:23:00.003-05:00

''Everybody is overreacting,'' Mrs. Child said. ''If fear of food continues, it will be the death of gastronomy in the United States. Fortunately, the French don't suffer from the same hysteria we do.'' ''We should enjoy food and have fun,'' Mrs. Child insisted. ''It is one of the simplest and nicest pleasures in life.''

Julia Child, NYT, 1990

2011-01-26T19:27:00.000-05:00

from The Selby

winter feels like spring

2011-01-25T23:00:00.003-05:00

it was dark in there. not because of the purple walls. not because I couldn't find a spot to put the perfect lamp that I couldn't actually afford. not exactly sure why. I don't want to use the d-word, because I don't think it was ever that deep. I wasn't depressed...was I? I mean, I remember laughing. I remember taking pictures and smiling. I remember enjoying myself. but I also remember darkness. stretches and stretches of darkness. of feeling alone, of smiling and nodding, saying I was fine when I wasn't.

but I don't remember crying, so it couldn't have been that bad.

though I'd never consider myself to be a "private person," I've never been one to spill everything. what that translates to is that there are a lot of people who may be familiar with the current event in my life, but very few will know how it actually makes me feel. call it the "I'm over it" syndrome. I never actually am.

I guess I just kept a brave face.

typing this now makes me remember summer 06. living in harlem in a columbia-affiliated dorm. the first summer I was truly on my own after my family moved to Georgia. I was miserable. I'd go intern at a magazine that I would've never read had I not been working for it, in a department I could give a fuck less about, to return to a cellblock. I'd be asleep by 7pm to wake up 12 hours later to do it all again. a routine I perfected in 2010.

2010. my highs were never that high, but my lows were low. and now that I look back, I understand why prayer changes things.

there's something different about me. I can't articulate it. I can't tell you when it happened. but I know I've been changed. and I know that I'm happy.

I know that after a busy summer, the prospect of dealing with five to six long winter-feeling months made me sad. made me wonder about the so-called seasonal affective disorder and if I'd fall victim to it. I didn't want to, but I was mentally prepared for it.

every night I'd pray for peace. for peace in my home, peace at work, peace in my friendships, peace within myself. peace. it's a very important word to me. it brings grounding. calm during the storm.

I sit at work brimming with excitement. pure joy. when I'm at home I'll get a running start and fly onto my bed. roll around in my purple sheets. for what reason? I couldn't tell you. and damn that feels good.

I don't remember ever feeling this good to be sitting in this seat, in this skin. this really feels good. thank you, God.

I Remember

2011-01-24T19:48:00.001-05:00

for the rest of my life, I promised myself I would love me first genuinely.

natural WW

2011-01-18T13:01:00.002-05:00

let's save our troubles for another day

2011-01-08T01:49:00.000-05:00

2011-01-07T16:21:00.000-05:00

"my lack of knowledge in the beginning really helped, and really just made me refine what little I knew to make it work. I think if you ask any other person who does a creative thing, you know, they probably go to school and learn all these different things and then as they get better it just narrows and narrows. you can ask most chefs, I think they would need five ingredients, one pan and a stick of butter and they can make the best meal you've ever had, and I think that's really where most photographers would like to get to, is not to have all that other stuff but to be able to create the most beautiful image they can in the most simple way they can."

-scott schuman, the sartorialist

2011-01-06T16:53:00.003-05:00

me: when is it? tomorrow??

bridgee: its on saturday
but we have to leave early tomorrow due to snowmaggedon

Sent at 4:35 PM on Thursday

me: part 2?
I heard that was coming
along with a couple hundred more birds

bridgee: yea the birds are falling out of the sky and what not

me: what is this life that we live?

bridgee: http://cravensworld.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/the-sky-is-falling-net.jpg

Sent at 4:37 PM on Thursday

me: we've gotta stop the madness!
as the Mayans are sitting back smoking cigars somewhere

bridgee: http://stuffbearslike.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/hibernating-bear.jpg
this is why i choose to hibernate during the winter

the american dream is at his inner core

2011-01-06T14:24:00.001-05:00

my favorite people are those that say fuck it to the beaten path and just move steadily towards their dreams. the ones that would rather die enormous than live dormant. support the reality makers.
download: www.tinyurl.com/mixtapeanthem

so let's kick...and push...and coast...

2011-01-06T13:29:00.004-05:00

just a rebel looking for a place to be

Alicia's prayer

2011-01-05T18:18:00.004-05:00

dear Lord, can you take it away?

this pain in my heart that just follows me by day

and at night it stalks me like the shadows on my wall

oh my goodness

feel like the world is closing on me

feel like my dreams will never come to me

I keep on slipping deeper into myself

and I'm scared, so scared

------

why does it feel

that my mind is constantly trying to pull me down?

I can't seem to get away

continuous mistakes I know were made before

how long will I feel so out of place?

we'd pile on a coach bus and travel for a couple of hours to Nowheresville, NY in the name of leadership development retreats. I used to love those trips, seeing people that I disassociated myself from years prior, meeting new folks. I was always shy and quiet though, fully in the throes of my awkward stage. somewhere between blooming yet not quite sprung. this shyness, it's always been a bane...

I get in the way of myself.

well, baby has sprung, defnitely still shy though not as debilitating as back then. but when this song came on, I felt my heart drop below my chest, and I was instantly transported back to my fifteen-year old self, who used to go to sleep with my discman, "Troubles" on repeat, barely registering the lyrics, though intensely moved by the sound. I see board games, Sareve, bunk beds. smell cucumber melon and hear the gossip that, at the time, was so sordid, so filled with who lost their virginity to whom, and that today mean nothing for who we've all become.

I've got my eyes on you

2011-01-04T23:40:00.000-05:00

susie doesn't go anywhere without her barrettes

2011-01-04T23:28:00.001-05:00

love is everything

2011-01-04T18:33:00.000-05:00

2011-01-04T09:32:00.000-05:00

2011-01-02T23:59:00.002-05:00

Pastor said today, "Some people may be good to you but they're not good for you." Ain't that the truth. But is that not the great conundrum? Good to you versus good for you? Body versus mind? mind versus mind? If in the moment it feels great, who's to say it's just good? And when it does get better, who's to say this is the peak? Because, that's the thing, what's good for one may not be near good enough for another. And what may be great others will never deserve. But for those who deserve great and have never seen it, it's frighteningly hard to allow yourself to feel more than just good.

2010-12-27T01:53:00.001-05:00

consider it a strength to be affable. one that leaves no shortage of company, tagged pictures, inside jokes. it certainly makes the awkward social experiment they call college a whole lot easier to navigate, cuz, hey, everybody likes ya! well, not everybody. someone's gotta be the brunt of your jokes that has everyone else grasping their chests, trying to catch their breaths from laughing so hard, as if chris rock himself walked into the room declaring "knock, knock".

and that's what life is all about right? a shit ton of friends! facebook announces to all who give a shit about you that you've made a new friend. and now they've been so kind as to take a wild guess at where you met that person. because everyone needs to know that too. and the number of twitter followers you have is an indication of how interesting what you have to say is. which is funny because #mostofmyfollowers just retweet other people's thoughts anyway. incredibly intriguing, you can imagine.

okay, okay, you've got me. this is my quarterly declaration that I prefer to be antisocial and will be deactivating all of my social networking accounts in favor of the hermit life. there's a large rock on farmers boulevard that, despite being on a relatively busy street, can actually serve as quite the hiding place. i mean, when's the last time you went to Queens? that is until LL Cool J revives his rap career and decides to return to the spot where it all started to film a new video. then I'll have to grab my satin pillowcase and find somewhere else to disappear.

well, not that drastic.

consider it a weakness to be naive. so naive as to believe that all those people sending friend requests (spam), follow requests (nosey), let-me-visit-you-in-New-York-requests (homeless) actually give a shit about me. me, the person. full name, stephanie. shit, when's the last time you called me that? oh wait, you didn't really think my name was susie, right? right, of course you didn't.

consider it a weakness to be so naive as to think that yeah, there's something about this guy who seems like he could potentially be pretty shady, wack ass ex-bf reincarnate, though he's been trying to convince me that he cares so much about our "friendship," our deep, longstanding, recently revived, not much prior to this, friendship, that when the ulterior motive doesn't kick into action as originally planned, he'll now flip a table on me like a new jersey housewife and cry foul on stephanie. because that's the thing, despite what name you may use to refer to me, be it susie, sammie, stef alicia, bitch, they all are meant to get the attention of a girl named stephanie, whose inability to think before she speaks is always more likely to respond rudely than as sweetly as she can and would prefer. stephanie who swears on the book of keep your heart three stacks but, at any given moment, is prepared to put all the cards on the table to let the next batter up know what time it is. and who, if you ask any of my real friends, has apparently always been like this. so you other "friends" who seem to have suddenly taken issue with the way I'm speaking to you, for not sparing your feelings for some dumb idea you've come up with that I'm supposed to agree to regardless of it being at my expense, or whatever else it is that seems to be conveniently peeving you since your ulterior motive is now swimming in the toilet like a forgotten piece of shit, well, you didn't think I'd give a damn nowdidya?

see below.

feel it in the air

2010-12-27T00:33:00.003-05:00

I hear this voice in the back of my mind like Mack, tighten up ya circle
before they hurt you

what does webster say about soul?

2010-12-26T02:54:00.000-05:00

vibrate.
vibrate higher.

2011

2010-12-26T02:15:00.004-05:00

I wanna go HIGH

so HIGH

HIGH

so HIGH

currently wearing

2010-12-26T01:03:00.001-05:00

black dress
black and gold belt
black and gold sequined jacket
red pajama pants with snowmen
fahj's slippers

party or bed?

if you ask me I'm ready.

2010-12-20T13:44:00.004-05:00

Elizabeth: ive decided i need a good man
maybe we should go speed dating to find one

me: absolutely not
I'm a lay back and wait for opportunity to fall in my lap kinda girl

Elizabeth: at first glance i thought you wrote "i'ma lay on my back and wait" lol

2010-12-16T17:27:00.000-05:00

but you can't love me

no you can't love me

if you don't even love yourself

I can't breathe

2010-12-16T13:49:00.001-05:00

i'll never change

2010-12-14T15:04:00.003-05:00

rudy taught me.

2010-12-14T15:03:00.002-05:00

Anteneh says,

2010-12-13T17:13:00.001-05:00

nobody gives a fuck about your aspirations like you do
and the world is made up of cosigners and dickriders
very few ppl ascribe you initial value
sans cosign
make myself hot. fck the world

http://www.norookiesallowed.com/

2010-12-12T02:12:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I'm back here again.

CASSIE VENTURA!

2010-12-10T11:25:00.002-05:00

RT @myfabolouslife

2010-12-09T17:41:00.000-05:00

Come on Bloods & Crips, if these 2 can be cool so can yall!! http://twitpic.com/3eftpf

I miss you like crazy

2010-12-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

happy birthday, shanna. I hope you're proud of us.

these two.

2010-12-08T15:08:00.002-05:00

2010-12-01T00:34:00.001-05:00

two big issues were put to rest today. first, I received my first paycheck at my new job and could not deposit it without thanking God and patting myself on the back for how far I've come in two relatively short years. I've still got quite a way to go but cheers to steadily moving in the right direction.

and a new lease has been signed that guarantees that I can stay put for the next six months. a stress relief like no other. again, purely the work of God.

the biggest lesson I've learned from dealing with the two greatest stressors I've faced in a really long time is that you have to trust in God with all of your heart. I'm a praying person. I pray alllllll day. When I pray, I believe and I understand that sometimes the answer is no, or not now, but it's always for the best. To see the way some things turned out when I swore they were not going my way is a testimony to "everything happens for a reason". At the same time, I have a tendency to still feel the need to complain about my situation to mahj or a friend, not because I don't believe it'll work out but just to let them know that there's something that's frustrating me. As a believing person, I need to learn how to talk about my frustrations without being frustrated, because, really, what's the point of getting annoyed if I already know it's going to work itself out for the best?